Clerics and scholars tell us to lead better lives by not harboring desire and jealousy for our neighbor’s possessions and accomplishments. However unless you become a monk sitting on top of a mountain meditating 24/7 you have probably been jealous of someone at some point over something. (OK, we bet that even the monk gets jealous at some point of another monk with a sweet ass robe.) But why feel so guilty about the big things? Chances are you are NEVER going to get that kick ass Porsche you always wanted, you will NEVER have a P Diddy boat and you will more than likely be living in your parents basement for a long, long time before you can even think about affording a ONE bedroom house. So why not concentrate on the petty things? What makes you guys rage filled jealous?

A Nice Chair

In the office or in the classroom, chairs are big deals. You don’t want to be the one stuck in a crappy chair. You know the one where you can’t adjust the back or the legs wobble. That just ruins your whole day. And then you see your coworker or classmate lounging out in a really nice top of the line chair. And what are you supposed to do? Sit there and let that smug asshole bask in maximum comfort all day while you suffer with that piece of metal up your ass? No. You must take action and get there early and swap out your bad chair for their awesome one. Now they will be jealous of YOU.

Food

Now we aren’t talking about people being jealous who are starving and have NO food and wish they could fill their bellies to stave off the hunger pains at night while the rest of the country can barely walk out of the Old Country Buffet. This is more like when you go out to eat with some friends and you order the “wrong” thing at a restaurant. You spend a good fifteen minutes studying that menu like it was the Dead Sea Scrolls only to have your buddy get something that looks and smells waaaay better when the food arrives. You look down miserably at your squash and tuna sandwich and do that move where you sheepishly ask “Can I have a bite of your double sirloin mozzarella burger? I’ll trade ya.” That is normally a negative unless you are a dude dining with a lady friend and she says the magic words “I’m too full.. I can’t finish this. You want it?” Now you don’t have to harbor rage filled jealousy while breaking bread.

Online Popularity

With social media you can constantly find things to be rage filled jealous about in real time! You are bombarded with news and gossip all day of how great a life your friends are leading; Barb’s status update that she just into Yale, Justin’s pictures of his new Camero, Tony’s profile pic with the “9” he’s banging. However the thing you should really be jealous of is how many friends someone has more than you. This is the ultimate test of your own self worth on planet Earth. Every friend more someone has then you is like a dagger in your brain. We really feel bad for the people who spent all that time acquiring friends on MySpace and then had to do it all over again on Facebook and now will have to go through the whole shebang again on Google +. That’s why you need to get start a new social media website of your own where you are able to control how many friends everyone gets. Although that usually costs a few million dollars, so good luck with that.

A Better Name

Do you have a boring name? Is it something like Bob Smith? Or Matt Jones? Do you get jealous of people with kick as names like Ezekiel and Augustus? (Pretty much old timey biblical names) That’s why you have to legally change your name to the craziest thing you can think of! Why not name yourself Cumquat Frankenstein?! Or Vladimir the Mighty?! What are some kick ass names?

Appearances

Appearances can be a real bummer. Sure you want to look your best and it’s tough when you go to school with a bunch of freakishly beautiful looking people. However we aren’t talking about having six pack abs or a size 0 waist. You need to concentrate your jealously on the small things like finger nail length and skin complexion. This rage filled jealousy is easy to remedy. If you’re a lady who would like her female rival to have less than stellar nails; simply challenge her to a “type off” using old school typewriters. She will be sure to break a well manicured nail on those hard to push keys. If you’re a dude with a really bad case of pizza face, don’t be jealous of the guy with the good skin. Simply challenge him to a squirt gun fight but be sure to fill your water gun with (cold) cooking oil. Nature will do the rest.