Nothing says “America” like some good old fashioned violence! That’s why in order to celebrate the Fourth of July we have listed the most patriotic ways to die. Please don’t try these at home…. or anywhere for that matter, but if you do; do it for your country!

Become Impaled on an American Flag Pole

One of the most patriotic ways to die is to be disemboweled by Old Glory herself. Many people don’t know this but flag poles can make great weapons. So seek out and fight a Terrorist in a duel using the American flag pole as your sword. Should you submit to him, have your final request to be impaled and killed by said American flag. The Stars and Stripes protruding from your guts will be the last thing you see as you salute it. This fight to the death would make Abraham Lincoln and Chuck Norris Proud! God Bless America!

Eat The Constitution

A lot of folks these days are complaining that the U.S Constitution is being corrupted and tarnished for the worst. If you really want to do your patriotic duty you will preserve this historic document of liberty and freedom where no one can harm it; in your stomach! You should eat the original U.S Constitution. However do you know what 200 year old parchment does to the human digestive system? Neither do we exactly, but we assume the ink from John Hancock’s John Hancock will rip through your body like a bad case of the Ebola virus. As they say “freedom isn’t free” and for liberty we must make sacrifice…. of yourself.

Fart On The President

Love him or hate him, the President of the United States has a tough, stressful job. That’s why it is your patriotic duty to lighten the mood in the Oval Office a bit. And nothing lightens the mood like a good, raunchy fart. Now the Secret Service has many procedures and protocols when it comes to the protection of the POTUS. What to do in case of nuclear attack, how to handle a crowd of well wishers, but we guarantee that they won’t know what to do when you run up, place your ass cheeks on his back and let your stink bomb fly! With no other plan in place they will shoot you dead. But at least you went out making the Commander in Chief laugh, and that is very patriotic!

Sky Dive above The Stature of Liberty

Sky diving with a big American Flag parachute flapping behind you is pretty patriotic in and of itself. However if you truly want to make it epic you will land on one of the spikes on the Statue of Liberty’s crown! Millions of immigrants from around the world saw her standing proudly there on Ellis Island, their first taste of freedom. In this patriotic gesture you will remind the world of what it truly means to be free by piercing your anus with democracy.

Become a Human Fireworks Display

There is no greater way to go out with a patriotic bang then to turn yourself into a human fireworks display! Head to a state that sells fireworks, (or go to Mexico and get some M80’s that are illegal in the States). Once you have purchased these roided up sparklers climb to the top of Mount Rushmore, place them across your chest, neck and head and fire them off while blaring the Star Spangled Banner! “Bombs bursting in air!”